Lost Contact

Imagine never being alone, and still being lonely. Its just as empty in my chest as it is full in my house. Always people coming and going. Talking, yelling, laughter. Noise, it has just become noise to me. It sounds like the static you get from your TV when you’re on the wrong channel and the bug fights are now covering the screen. Decent conversation doesn’t happen, inside my head I keep winning my one person arguments with the invisible attacker. Sometimes when people talk to me, I can see their lips moving but I cannot hear a word, so I just nod. God forbid they ask me a question that ‘ok’ or ‘uh huh’ wont suffice as an appropriate answer. Then I am discovered, and have to open my eyes and my ears. I have to listen hard, so hard I wonder if i could hear an ants conversation. Sometimes even then, I still cannot hear what is being said, so I just grumble and walk away. People are difficult. Conversation is difficult. Not being alone, that’s extremely difficult. But when I do find that place, where I am not arguing with invisible ideas in my head, and I can actually hear the words, see the face, of a person, its comforting, but then right away terrifying. I’m completely out of my element. Now my mind swarms with thoughts, what should I say, where should I stand, how should I stand, cross my arms, don’t, and so on and on. Then once again I am back in my mind arguing with invisible emotions and gesture controls. I start focusing so much on what, when, where and why. And the conversation again, is lost on me. Its an endless cycle of in and out, reality and imagination. Its hard, a lot, to tell if I’m here or there.